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scraps from a bemused mind.

A full time mum who also works full time, a lover of coffee, dark chocolate, wine, and sunlight. A little bit of tomboy, a touch of 5 star, a smidgen of elegance and a lot of fierce.

My Tribe

I’ve often referred to my friend group as my garden. A garden of friends, diverse individuals that each bring something to the garden. 

There are many types in my garden. I have shade trees that stand alone but being solidity and respite. 

I have groundcover that is everywhere and hard to kill off. I have my ornamentals that are hard work to maintain. 

I have my cactus friends – needing very little input at all but giving me great rewards when I need it. 

There are a few weeds and a few Venus fly traps too but on the whole, my garden is a wondrous and diverse place. 

Some of my greatest flowers are mostly via text. I can send out a random, not politically correct text and get back EXACTLY what I need. When I need it. In full loving honesty. 

These friends are the ones who can read tone in the text and seemingly know exactly what I mean when I say ‘fuck’. 

They have a great emoji and gif game, and bring it at all times. 

I’m appreciating them greatly at the moment as the weight of finishing one job, starting a new one, doing online Uni, and life with kids etc hits full swing. 

I have no idea how or why people like me. Truly. But I must offer something valuable to people and I’m grateful for as long as these people stay or pass through my life. 

My tribe has mums, dads and non breeders within it and to be a member my tribe you need a sense of hunour, a sense of honour and a sense of self. 

And they provide feedback for my sense of self and reward my sense of humour. 

Mummy, my hands have disappeared

For friends and family – Master 7 is FINE. I am blogging about this because the worry of the last 3-4 weeks  is over. He does not have any brain pathology or findings. I am happy to answer any questions in private messaging.

But Master 7 will love telling you about his eye test and MRI if you ask.

The doctor who gave us the results of the MRI was wonderful. It had been a tumultuous few weeks and this was the defining moment – the results would dictate what the next step would be. Master 7 had been re examined, and his investigations had been reviewed. We were moving on to the working diagnosis, and discussing what would happen next.

Master 7 had been a trooper for this whole time, being prodded and poked by many doctors, having eye tests, being late to school, leaving early and with having an MRI his biggest hurdle so far.

I was worried about the MRI – not the cost, but how he would feel, being locked in, with the noise and such and needing to be still for the best pictures.
“Can you lay still and quiet for 20 minutes? Let’s practice.”

“Why mum?”

“Well we need a picture of your head, lots and lots of pictures, to see if we can find your dizziness, headaches and eyesight problem.”

So he practiced at home and watched some videos of MRIs.

He did great, with the noise and the stillness and having his shoes off. He was most proud of the films, telling everyone that they are great pictures because he laid so very still. In fact, we were at the doctors and the doctor and I were finishing up the chat of what to do next when Master & starts fidgeting next to me.
“What’s up?”

“The doctor has not looked at my head pictures yet. I brought them for him.”

I look at the doctor, who solemnly asks Master James for the films. He pulls them out, looking up at them, making serious noises like “Mmmmm” and “I see that looks excellent” and “Oh, very nice angle”.

Master 7 beams with pride – “I laid so very still, so they would not be blurry.”
“Well they are simply the best quality head pictures I have ever seen – I can tell how hard you worked for these – well done and thank you.”

And that is when my heart broke. This boy, with his unique innocence and old soul quality was most worried about if the pictures would be good enough.

I was worried about brain tumors, Multiple Sclerosis and multiple other terrifying things to think about when you tuck your son in at night and kiss him for sweet dreams. I couldn’t help but picture the worst, and DH and I were in the middle of a dark and stormy night, wondering what might be found on the MRI, and what did that mean…..

Master 7 was worried that he had not laid still enough for his brain photos.
Moving forward, it looks like Master 7 may have a type of migraine. At least, that is what we are working on…..but first we have to have blood tests and Master 7 would like to practice this one as well – this time to make sure the Magic Numbing Cream really works!

 

 

 

Well, that is that done – 2016 edition

The end of the year is always a time of reflection, relief, reviewing and hopefully some rest as well.

I have, like many people, had a long and rugged year. Not a particularly tough one, bu it has had its moments.

From my dads cardiac surgery, to job interviews to the boys having their own triumphs and tribulations. DH completed his uni degree and I took on new roles in my organisation, totally different to anything I have every done before.

This year I have learnt new things, lost friends, gained myself, grown, let go, started things, ended things. But in all things I have chosen to be true, sincere, present and authentic.

Next year will be huge. Next years always are huge.
My eldest goes into Year 5! My youngest goes into Year 3! We intend on building a shed. The business has been launched. We are planning on a family holiday.

And I just submitted an application for uni….again….

Whatever happens, I know each event, choice and moment will be enough. I know that each decision I make will be done for the right reasons not the easy ones. I know that I will keep people by my side and lose people along the way. And I know that although I am ‘too much’ for some people, I will be ‘just right’ for the people that matter.

I am unlikely to write again before the end of 2016.

Be safe, be happy in your skin, and be you.

Much love to you, my reader.

 

Again with the Brave. 

Today is the day after Trump was elected (!!!) President of the United States of America. I have so much to say on this topic and yet, it’s really all irrelevant. And not what this blog is about. Trumpiness is for another blog post, another time. 

I’m in another new role now, non clinical and totally alien to what I’ve done before. And it’s great. It’s ALL new and unfamiliar and I’m trying to uncharacteristically embrace it. 

Now, in the next 10 days I have 3 known occasions that I will need to: 

1. Completely and utterly believe in myself. To the point of arrogance. 

2. Back myself and my experience and abilities 100%. 

3. Not allow my self doubt to dictate terms. 

4. Prepare for failure. 
The first of which is an interview. Which requires a 5 minute presentation to a panel and the questions. 

The second is I’m presenting at a Australian College of Nursing Conference to about 30-40 nurses on Leadership!

The third is the launch of Vital Training Group. 

They all occur in the next 10 days. 

So, I need to not only bring it, but own it and spread it all over the place. 

I’m the Queen of under promising and over delivering and of modesty about my achievements and it has been a disservice to me, especially recently, so this is BIG. 

So, I’m being Brave and Bold and Brilliant for the next 10 days and then I expect ill spontaneously combust or turn to ashes and compost! 

The power of words

When I was about 8 years old, I was asked by my teacher to come up to the blackboard (one with chalk and those wooden dusters and lots of broken chalk bits – you know the ones that took up a …

Source: The power of words

Born this way

What do Eminem and Lady Gaga have in common?

A couple of their songs are both routinely going around in my head as some kind of melting pot mantra or anthem. Neither song would be a autobiographical anthem for me but both would be part o a sound track to my life. I am not sure who would play me in the Off Broadway stage adaptation of my life, but I hope they can master the One-Eyebrow lift I do when communicating.

Image result for raise one eyebrow

I have had facets of me challenged lately.

Too loud.

Too good.

Too intelligent.

Too busy.

I’m actually surprised that nobody has called me too sweary…yet! 

Apparently for some friends I am too loud when I am excited.

For some work peers, I am too good at my job. Which makes them feel bad.

For some people, I am too intelligent for them, which makes them feel bad.

And for some friends, I am too busy for them. Even though I am never too busy for people. I am busy, yes, but too busy? No.

These things hurt. Being told that a part of you that is either intrinsic, irrelevant or holds no value in your overall humanness makes you feel devalued, frustrated and downright cranky.

But, if I want my self to be the best I can be, therefore allowing me to perform at work the best I can, and perform as a mum – encouraging my children to be the best that they can be, then I need to be ME.

Yup – I can be loud. But I am also considerate, humorous, honest and generous.

Yup -I am bloody good at my job. My patients, colleagues and the organisation that I work for benefits from my proficiency at my job. I also happily teach anyone who wants to learn.

Yup – I am intelligent. And well educated. And my friends, family and clients benefit from it as well. The intelligence I was born with, the education I went out and got for myself because I wanted it.

Yup – I am busy. Life is short, and I want to fit in as much of the important stuff as I can. I have never been TOO busy for anyone who is important to me. I have never waved my busyness around like a banner of brilliance. But I make it perfectly clear to people that:

  • I am busy.
  • I do not trade my time with my kids for people unless it is warranted.
  • I get to decide what is warranted.
  • I do not have justify myself to you, but I am more than happy to see what we can make work.

All of the things mentioned above are not actually about me. They are about them.

So I am not sorry about being loud – I will stop apologizing for being me from today. I don’t mind modulating my voice for suitable events, but I will not change who I am for you.

I will not apologise or accommodate your feelings around how good I am at my job. That job is my work and passion. It feeds, clothes and houses my kids and makes a huge difference in peoples lives. I am good at it. I am also more than happy to teach you if you want to learn.

Yup I am intelligent – deal with it. I am also well educated. See above.

I am not sorry for being busy. I am sorry you feel bad about it, but many, many people know how important they are to me without my altering my schedule.

 

I am no longer sorry for being too much. I am no longer sorry for being me. I know this will take practice, and I know it will still hurt when people say these things, but I am no longer rounding my edges off – because it means I will lose my edge.

I was born this way.

Deal with it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s ok! Missing out sometimes is for the best. 

When I get the opportunity, I like to take my dogs to a local dog park. I often go with a friend and his 2 dogs and we walk around and around the perimeter and talk shit and laugh at our dogs, who are quite the characters.

The dog park is an interesting place. You never know what the mix of humans and dogs will be and it causes me quite a lot of anxiety at times – it’s something I reflect on a lot.

I’ve always had big dogs. Ridgebacks, German Shepherds and Huskies.

Gidget is the smallest dog I’ve owned but the biggest personality.

She is a typical bull terrier derivative dog. Boisterous, in your face and unapologetic. If you are not prepared for her, she takes quite a bit of getting used to.

Jimmy, however, is a massive dog and is just a calm, man about town at the dog park. Friend to all humans and dogs,  and dismissive of trivialities like rude dogs and so forth.

He gets unlimited off leash time at the dog park, once I have sussed the place out.

Gidget? No. Mostly she gets to stay on leash with me and we do laps round the perimeter.

I have had more than one person suggest I’m cruel for not letting her off lead.

And I hate that I can’t. I leave her on lead mostly for her own sake.  I don’t want her to be ‘that dog.’ She generally means well and hasn’t harmed any dog but is demonstrative in her presence and she takes some humans and dogs aback.
I chatted with my friend about it on our last visit. Although Gidget was on leash, she got plenty of exercise, sniffing, weeing and pats in on that visit. Dogs could approach her and there was tail wagging and butt sniffing for everyone.

But by keeping on lead I kept her safe. She got all the social side of the dog park and very little risk.
So I don’t feel guilty about it at all. Jimmy has proven that he can mingle and be accepted in almost any situation. Gidget has not earned that privilege 100%.

Sometimes there is exactly the right mix of humans and dogs and Gidget will run herself stupid. But is far safer to keep her with me where she won’t be misunderstood.  Adn she would miss out far more if I left her at home.

Bucket list. 

In the midst of being brave all over the place, I’ve kicked some goals.

Which is great, because it reinforces my being brave in other endeavours.

Believe it or not, I’m not ferocious in all aspects. In fact, I’m mostly not brave at all. 

For over a year now I’ve been talking about doing something but in that ‘in the future, a long time away’ kind of way!

Now it is time. And I need to be brave again. 
I’m going to play basketball with some friends, on the Gold Coast at the Pan Pacific Masters Games in November. 

Now, anyone who knows me, knows I love the game of basketball. 

I’m the first to admit I’m not the most talented player. But I love the game. So I’m excited about going up to play. And the opportunity to play at Masters as well! But it’s been a long time since I was fit and my knee is still it’s everlasting issue. 

And now I’m traveling alone, which is not one of my favorite things to do. And I’ll be gone for a week!  That scares me too. 

Funny what scares you, isn’t it?

And funny how old nerves come back to haunt you. I’ve always known my ability on the court. I had the luck ( good and bad) to grow up with some talented basketball players. Which meant I was highly aware of my shortcomings. Now I’m older, fatter and less fit with a busted knee! What the hell am I thinking?!

Me and my stupid bucket list!

I did a thing

I did a thing.

There have  been a few posts over the last 12 months where I have intimated that I was doing a Thing.

A project or a ‘something’.

Well, I started a business.

It is a very small business but I am hoping to achieve very big things with it.

We (my partner and I) go to peoples homes, teaching CPR, Choking and first aid, mainly around caring for children, but its totally individualized. .

For instance, if you have a topic you desperately want us to cover, we will do up a program to suit you and deliver it.

If you have a special need, or have a child with special needs, we will alter and adjust our teaching to suit you.

We are called the Vital Training Group – currently on Facebook, but with a website to follow.

Think of us like a party plan sales team, except we come to your house and instead of us selling you some plastic containers or make-up, we teach you the knowledge that may save a life or a limb or just relieve a fever overnight.

 

I am very excited and I have lots of plans around this, including developing it into a Registered Training Organisation and  developing courses for kids to attend and learn at.

Because my team and I are highly qualified emergency health personnel – think Emergency nurses, paramedics etc – we only teach you the stuff you really need to know, not what is in a pamphlet.

 

Anyway, I have had some screamingly loud doubts, some passionately deep beliefs and like a recent post stated- just an overwhelming need to roll the dice and see how they fall.

 

Wish me luck…..

 

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