Reeling, confused, bewildered. Exhausted. Anxious. Tight in the chest, fluttery stomach. Hot, cold, sweats, shakes.
Vision and hearing changes and a feeling of vertigo, then afterwards, irritability.
Nope, I’m not taking hard drugs, I wasn’t on a roller coaster, nor a turbulent plane ride, nor am I ill.
This is me after a day at home, packing, cuddling Gidget the super dog. And 3 different people communicating with me. Via text.
Nothing life changing or momentous occurred in these texts, probably a 1 or 2 on a scale of 10.
Indeed, the potentially life changing conversation today occurred over coffee with a real human in a face to face situation!
And I walked away from that confident in my position in the universe and in my status within that friendship.
Truly I am a social dyslexic and this how these seemingly simple social interactions leave me.
Seriously, I think that it should all be much simpler than this and certainly in my head it is. Sadly, my head logic doesn’t translate into the real world. I’m left trying to slow my racing heart, fighting the doubts, and reeling
I feel like Sheldon Cooper but without the cool t shirts and the genius IQ. The world and people in it would make MUCH more sense if people behaved sensibly.
And the anxiety doesn’t limit itself to this, no indeed. It’s a often daily struggle. Good days and bad, known triggers and the fun surprising unknown ones. Those little bastards catch you unawares, shake the shit out of you and leave you wrung out, panicked and strung out.
So, If I can have a wave of anxiety over a couple of texts, imagine how wild I can get going into a known trigger situation?! The beautiful sweet irony is that if I am entering into a life and death situation at work, I am sweet. A slight adrenalin spurt to get me firing and I am all over it like a kid on a cupcake. Cool, calm, collected. I can public speak, I can face down an aggressive person, I can abseil, I can buy a house. But meeting someone new, going somewhere and not knowing the dress code, the schedule, the weather or some other possible trigger, and I’m like a jelly fish in a storm, and afterwards I’m all washed up.
AND what sets me off one day might not set me off the next……
I know, you are jealous, right?
I have suffered nervous breakdowns, post natal depression and ongoing depression. The depression waxes and wanes, the anxiety seems to stick, and let me tell you that the anxiety bonus side with fries sucks.
Clinical anxiety and depression is a flip side of the same coin. In my case it’s mostly about serotonin levels. So, when I am unwell with both it’s ironic. Whilst in the depression I am flat and indifferent and everything sucks, then I get anxious about being indifferent, and what if I am doing something wrong due to my apathy and what if I get really depressed and break down again and what if we run out of milk, and what if……
When I have the black dog of depression trained and on a leash, it’s just the Jack Russell of anxiety I deal with and the what if continues, just in different forms and intensities.
But, it’s me. This is who I am. I am this person and luckily Dear Hubby is willing to come along for the ride. He will point out my irrationalities when they occur and support me through each possible worst case scenario. He laughs at me when I won’t sleep without my rituals and he averts a lot of my known triggers. I’m lucky.
But, at this moment, I’m sick of the mouse on a wheel in my head and the chest pain as I resist the urge to reread and deconstruct the texts, wonder if I said something wrong, maybe I should ring them (it’s 11 pm, so maybe not) and if I do ring to sort it out, they will think I am weird, and if I don’t they’ll hate me forever. UNLESS I am over thinking it and there is not a problem actually and it’s all in my head……and Oh. My. God. I haven’t packed my toothbrush for tomorrow, what if I forget it, but I’ll need it to have a shower in the morning, and I have to drop Gidget to the dog sitter and what if I forget her food, and don’t forget I have to put the petrol in the car……
Oh boy, I hope this settles down before I miss out on sleep tonight.