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scraps from a bemused mind.

A full time mum who also works full time, a lover of coffee, dark chocolate, wine, and sunlight. A little bit of tomboy, a touch of 5 star, a smidgen of elegance and a lot of fierce.

It’s ok! Missing out sometimes is for the best. 

When I get the opportunity, I like to take my dogs to a local dog park. I often go with a friend and his 2 dogs and we walk around and around the perimeter and talk shit and laugh at our dogs, who are quite the characters.

The dog park is an interesting place. You never know what the mix of humans and dogs will be and it causes me quite a lot of anxiety at times – it’s something I reflect on a lot.

I’ve always had big dogs. Ridgebacks, German Shepherds and Huskies.

Gidget is the smallest dog I’ve owned but the biggest personality.

She is a typical bull terrier derivative dog. Boisterous, in your face and unapologetic. If you are not prepared for her, she takes quite a bit of getting used to.

Jimmy, however, is a massive dog and is just a calm, man about town at the dog park. Friend to all humans and dogs,  and dismissive of trivialities like rude dogs and so forth.

He gets unlimited off leash time at the dog park, once I have sussed the place out.

Gidget? No. Mostly she gets to stay on leash with me and we do laps round the perimeter.

I have had more than one person suggest I’m cruel for not letting her off lead.

And I hate that I can’t. I leave her on lead mostly for her own sake.  I don’t want her to be ‘that dog.’ She generally means well and hasn’t harmed any dog but is demonstrative in her presence and she takes some humans and dogs aback.
I chatted with my friend about it on our last visit. Although Gidget was on leash, she got plenty of exercise, sniffing, weeing and pats in on that visit. Dogs could approach her and there was tail wagging and butt sniffing for everyone.

But by keeping on lead I kept her safe. She got all the social side of the dog park and very little risk.
So I don’t feel guilty about it at all. Jimmy has proven that he can mingle and be accepted in almost any situation. Gidget has not earned that privilege 100%.

Sometimes there is exactly the right mix of humans and dogs and Gidget will run herself stupid. But is far safer to keep her with me where she won’t be misunderstood.  Adn she would miss out far more if I left her at home.

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Bucket list. 

In the midst of being brave all over the place, I’ve kicked some goals.

Which is great, because it reinforces my being brave in other endeavours.

Believe it or not, I’m not ferocious in all aspects. In fact, I’m mostly not brave at all. 

For over a year now I’ve been talking about doing something but in that ‘in the future, a long time away’ kind of way!

Now it is time. And I need to be brave again. 
I’m going to play basketball with some friends, on the Gold Coast at the Pan Pacific Masters Games in November. 

Now, anyone who knows me, knows I love the game of basketball. 

I’m the first to admit I’m not the most talented player. But I love the game. So I’m excited about going up to play. And the opportunity to play at Masters as well! But it’s been a long time since I was fit and my knee is still it’s everlasting issue. 

And now I’m traveling alone, which is not one of my favorite things to do. And I’ll be gone for a week!  That scares me too. 

Funny what scares you, isn’t it?

And funny how old nerves come back to haunt you. I’ve always known my ability on the court. I had the luck ( good and bad) to grow up with some talented basketball players. Which meant I was highly aware of my shortcomings. Now I’m older, fatter and less fit with a busted knee! What the hell am I thinking?!

Me and my stupid bucket list!

I did a thing

I did a thing.

There have  been a few posts over the last 12 months where I have intimated that I was doing a Thing.

A project or a ‘something’.

Well, I started a business.

It is a very small business but I am hoping to achieve very big things with it.

We (my partner and I) go to peoples homes, teaching CPR, Choking and first aid, mainly around caring for children, but its totally individualized. .

For instance, if you have a topic you desperately want us to cover, we will do up a program to suit you and deliver it.

If you have a special need, or have a child with special needs, we will alter and adjust our teaching to suit you.

We are called the Vital Training Group – currently on Facebook, but with a website to follow.

Think of us like a party plan sales team, except we come to your house and instead of us selling you some plastic containers or make-up, we teach you the knowledge that may save a life or a limb or just relieve a fever overnight.

 

I am very excited and I have lots of plans around this, including developing it into a Registered Training Organisation and  developing courses for kids to attend and learn at.

Because my team and I are highly qualified emergency health personnel – think Emergency nurses, paramedics etc – we only teach you the stuff you really need to know, not what is in a pamphlet.

 

Anyway, I have had some screamingly loud doubts, some passionately deep beliefs and like a recent post stated- just an overwhelming need to roll the dice and see how they fall.

 

Wish me luck…..

 

Blogging gets hard 

Blogging gets hard sometimes. 

For example, when you temporarily run out of blogging oomph. When the urge to write is drowned out and smothered by…whatever. Call it writers block or whatever, when you go to blog and the cupboard is bare or you can’t be bothered to to even go to the cupboard. That is hard. 

Another example is when you have heaps and heaps of ideas demanding their time in the sun but they may not be fully formed or quite ready. There’s competing ideas in your  head and it’s hard to grab on to one idea and hold it long enough to examine it, know it and write about it in 200-1000 words.  

Have you ever been to a Butterfly Sanctuary with the butterflies fluttering and alighting and fluttering? That is the inside of my head when I have heaps of things I can write about but can’t quite decide where to start. 
Another common example is when there are perfectly writable things happening around you and to you but you can’t put it on any form of social media or publishable forum. That may be for many reasons such as: 

1. They possibly relate to your workplace in an identifiable way. Even those of you who may live under  rocks will know that passing comment or publishing things about your workplace, even in the vaguest of vague terms, can be career suicide. 

2. To protect the innocent and the guilty. One does not need a degree in forensics to trace events back to a person or peoples. And my opinion on something may well be valid, but airing it in a public domain may lose me a friend, cost me some serious angst or, because of the specific vagueness of how I write, may have someone feel targeted when they are not. 

3. When it’s the kids. Sooner or later they will grow up ( way too soon as far as I’m concerned) and I’m not sure how grateful they will be if I’ve  left them a huge digital footprint and identity.  

Recently my difficulties have been for the second and third reasons. My cupboard is not bare at all. My head is FULL of ideas but for one of many reasons, they are hard to pin down or write about. 
So, while I try to sort the innocent from the guilty, pin down a thought butterfly and make sure I don’t breach a profession/social media policy – I’ll leave you with this: 
Integrity is doing the right thing, even when it’s hard and especially when no one is watching.

Brave, fabulous and risky

Keep Calm and Be Brave

Fake it till you are fabulous. 

I’m not lucky, I’m fortunate and I work my arse off. 

 

These as were some of the headings and ideas  I want to write about but the ideas are refusing to be tied down in a post, instead, wanting to float, and bump and shine and shimmer.

They all relate to risk and opportunity, self doubt and belief, and making your own self narrative.

I won’t bore you with the details but I’ve rolled the dice in a few ways lately, all in the professional sphere.
I’ve put myself out there, and it’s certainly not without risk. And it’s too early to know if it was the right thing to do or if it will blow up in my face. And I’m thrilled with myself for doing it.
I get to practice to my principles. I get to see if I have what it takes. I get to step so wildly out of my comfort zone that it feels like I’m dancing on a table top in heels.

I get to stretch muscles that have atrophied and I get to find completely new ones.
And I will be judged, weighed and measured on how I perform. My colleagues don’t know what else I’ve achieved, or where I’ve been. They will only judge me on what I do NOW. And how well I do it. The stakes just got raised.

I am also working Monday to Friday and not shift work for the first time in approximately 20 years. And that may be the scariest thing of all!

 

Torn

This post, no matter when or indeed if it gets published, is being written as I lay in a single bed in a hotel room next to my parents.

I’ve just driven from Perisher snow fields to Lane Cove, Sydney – over 5 hours, after a full day of skiing with my family.

This week is Interschools Snow Sports – the boys ski race for their school.

Tomorrow* is also the day my dad has heart surgery.

Since dads need for surgery was established, I’ve planned to be here for it. Since the date was decided, I’ve planned to leave my kids and husband in the snow fields to be here. To that end, I packed an overnight bag and we drove two cars up to the snow, so I could go away. It was all going to depend on what time my dads surgery was booked for, and they couldn’t tell me that till he’d had his pre op testing today. So, we came down from skiing at 4pm,  and there was a text from mum about dad being booked in at 0600hrs tomorrow morning!

Holy shit.

DH came through as usual. Instead of hanging around to socialise and watch presentation of trophies with some of our favorite people on snow, he saw what I needed and packed me and the kids up and got us off the mountain. Then, whilst I showered and dressed and said good bye to my boys, he filled the car, checked tires and packed it for me.

My boys……. Well.

They are sad I’m not going to be with them tomorrow when they race but they said they were glad I would be with Poppy.
So I’m laying here, listening to my mum snore, it’s  midnight in Sydney, knowing that in 5  hours we get up to take dad for admission to hospital.

I have no input or control here and my knowledge and experience only burdens me, not helps me.

I miss my boys but I would never miss dads surgery. And it’s because DH is so spectacular at his job of being a dad and a partner that I get to be torn completely apart but also know I’m in the right spot.

* this was last week and dads surgery was a success. My eldest also made State for both events and I made it back for the following days racing. I drive 11 hours in 24, but I got to be there for my mum and dad and my husband and kids.

Jostled out of a rut

I have been going through a trying period professionally over the last 12 months or so.

Details are not required (public forum and all that) but lets remember that just because something is the RIGHT thing to do, does not mean it is the EASY thing to do. Subsequently, a few of the Brave Girl posts have been triggered by events that I have living through.

The problem in my profession and many other public service professions is this:
– to do an exemplary job, you need to feel valued and connected and challenged and significant and that you are making a contribution as a important level. And due to circumstances beyond my control, I have been hobbled and muzzled – able to turn up but not fully allowed to run and jump and twist and turn   – not able to fulfill my potential. On top of that, the insecurity that comes with being a catalyst for a tsunami  – it becomes even harder to perform at a level I would be satisfied with. None of this is directly anyones fault – just the consequences of actions that I knowingly took. 

Anyway, I looked for a new challenge and suddenly found one. A change is as good a a holiday and an opportunity came up. 
I am going to work temporarily  in a department I have never worked in, in a hospital I have never worked in, with people I have never worked with, in a role I have never performed before.

Simple, right?

It is so foreign that I am not sure what success or failure look like.

No big deal. Eerily similar to when I moved the whole family 1000km away to take this role up here  4 years ago and see if I liked it.

In a way I am excited – a chance to change perspectives, shake things up, step into the fear and beat it.

And in a bigger way I am terrified.

But I need to do this. I need to shake off the burdens of the last 12 months and see how I perform outside of this sphere. So some time on the outside is just what the doctor ordered. And I hope it will give me fresh eyes, and a dust off.

So, as I seem to have said often before – Here goes nothing!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keep Calm and carry on

So Master 10 found himself in an emergency situation recently – no life was threatened but limbs certainly were. He wasn’t with us, his parents at the time, and he was one of the older kids in the situation.

It was a situation that certainly would have tried many of you reading this, indeed, many people full stop.

But to all accounts he just….handled it.

He called the Emergency Services, relayed the information, made the situation safe, helped the person involved, rendering first aid care until the ambulance arrived.
And afterwards – no big deal. We talked about it all, from different angles and he is cool. No problemo.

His little brother thinks he is a superhero – ” I would have been so scared of all the blood!” But Master 10 just shrugged it off.
Of course, we are proud. Super proud. And no, I didn’t specifically teach him all this stuff.

But mostly I am relieved – he knows what to do. He can make good decisions in unique situations. Thank God!!

Makes me think though-  I have long believed that young kids can learn what to do in emergency situations…….and more so now.

Hmmmm – watch this space!

 

Brave girl and change

Brave Girl got up. Time to get dressed and ready for a new day.

She looked out her window and saw that while she was busy for so long, that the seasons had changed without her noticing. She had been away with all the battles to be fought, then such a long trip back home and subsequently healing and resting, but surely it hadn’t been that long?

She pondered this whilst dressing  and acknowledged that she was glad of the opportunity presented by change. With the seasons change she could change also. But what to do?

This was all she knew, and surely she was good, even excellent at it, so how would that even translate into something else? But looking out the window, she saw that change was upon her whether she was ready or not.

Full of doubts and fears she tried to decide what the best course of action was. She finished dressing and went downstairs to put the kettle on.
Drinking a cup of coffee, she pondered, and worried and examined her doubts.

In the end, whilst she had plenty of choices, one thing she could not control is change. Brave Girl got up and decided. Since change is inevitable, she may as well embrace it. Even if it terrified her.

So, having decided to be scared and embrace change anyway, she ventured to the front door. Having opened it, her doubts returned at full volume, but Brave Girl was having none of it.

Picking up her sword, tying back her hair, Brave Girl took one step, then another out the door. Pulling the door shut behind her, but ensuring it did not lock her out, Brave Girl lifted her chin, squared her shoulders and stepped bravely into the storm of change that was coming over the hills.

” I might be scared, but I am doing it anyway.’ said Brave Girl

 

 

 

 

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